11/12/04 - 12:04 PM
I'm back! Again. This is my computer...my real, newly fixed computer. New net, new everything. I have to get back in track on the net. After months and months, I'm a little rusty.
9/5/04 - 11:08 AM
MY COMPUTER IS STILL DOWN! I'm at my aunt's work again. I'm furious. My computer's been gone for too long, and things just keep getting more hectic over here. I now have a ton of school activities. I hope everything works out. Sorry, folks. No idea when it will be back.
7/21/04 - 10:44 AM
I'm at my aunt's work. MY COMPUTER IS DOWN! I don't know when it will be back up. All submissions are on hold! Sorry.
7/09/04 - 1:14 PM
Brilliant. My image server is fucking up. I hate servers. I was so close to finishing the sex blog. -_-'' Armando wants me to do a favor for him. He wants me to find a painting school around San Francisco. Great. Oh, and the book I got for history was the wrong one. I hate it when people are so vague. They're not the only ones with things to do. Oh yeah, and I'm out of tofu for my salad. I'm also running out of cruttons. Bah! At least one thing went right. My site's images are back up.
7/08/04 - 11:15 AM
You know, it's one thing to ask for help. It's another thing to ask for help because you know it'll piss people off. Sara was supposed to sleep over, but I couldn't contact her yesterday for the time and such, so I've got the place to myself again. I'm not really in a social mood.
7/07/04 - 1:07 PM
Yo acabo de comer pollo (mi almuerzo) y yo acabo de ver una pelicuila, The Butterfly Effect. XP Freaky/sad movie. Shit, I'm pigging out again. I don't know what's wrong with pitas, but the images won't load. I checked the codes and the images themselves, and everything's fine. >.< Blah.
7/06/04 - 11:36 AM
I successfully hid my hickeys, though my grandma nearly gave it away, among other things. After Alcatraz (it was nesting season) we went to the Rainforest Cafe again, wherre I surprised my mom with a fake birthday. -_-'' I tried to tell my grandma, but she told me to talk louder. She sprained her ankle on the way to my Auntie Charrie's place after watching the fireworks. She's okay, though. I feel weird again without my mom, but I'm okay. Allan and Armando are thinking of starting a business together. If that happens my mom and Allan are coming back next year. I realized how bad her denial is. She's convinced I'm still a kid. She's praying I'm still a kid. =/ It hurts. We went to Ikea last night. I bought a mirror and a bunch of blue stuff for my room. Marjorie bought a blue hamper. ^^ I'm going to look for a place to hang this mirror my aunt bought. I also got this tiny little red and black journal and a book from my mom. I slept with Nick's teddy bear last night. I've got things to fix today. I'm anxious to hear from the publishers again, as well as Billy. I just need to breathe and take everything one day at a time. XP I need to stop being such a scatterbrain.
7/01/04 - 8:56 PM
AOL is being a tard again. Let me just say that I am in deep shit. Nick and I went out today and he gave me four hickeys. Three of them are very visible and very maroon and very bad. My grandma freaked out. I'm lying me way through this. It would work, except my mom and Allan are coming tomorrow. I'm nervous. So yes, I'm screwed. Heck, I'm nervous about the whole weekend. x_x On a lighter note, the family friend went around SF with us yesterday. We went to her friend's house where she's staying, where I nearly got hooked up with the son of the place. Poor guy turned bright red. I did, too. -_-'' God, things are so awkward and complicated right now. Oh yeah, and I finally got the nerve to cut my own bangs. Just a few. ^-^ They look great! XD Marjorie and I also got Johnny Depp black and white framed posters/sketches. =) God, I need a miracle this weekend not to get in trouble. I am my family's guinea pig, it seems. Oh and great, our toilet isn't working. -_-''
6/29/04 - 7:18 PM
You know what, I am sick and tired of people leaving me without a trace. I'm fucking HATE it when people just disappear in all their selfish apathy thinking the world does not give a damn. It's pained me so much that I'm at a point where one tiny little disappearance sends me into paranoia. I fucking hate it! I also hate this heat, and I hate being unable to rate or do anything for that matter. As I've noticed my sudden changes not only do I worry, but I also come to realize that it's not just the little things anymore. I need to change my lifestyle - my whole lifestyle. I just realized this, piecing all the things I've grown to despise together. Something tells me I'm on my way to changing it, but I'm also so sick and tired of waiting, as I've been doing all my life. I need instant results, and I mean it. >.< God. Off the topic. I just saw Shakespeare In Love. It was better than I thought. I liked it. Oh, and I cancelled my plans with Nick today. I moved them to Thursday. Let me just keep it simple and brief: this week is definitely not my week at all.
6/27/04 - 6:59 PM
Shit! SHIT! I'm fucking screwed. Nick just got his cell phone bill and it totalled to over a thousand dollars. Holy shit. We're hoping it's a mix-up. God, I feel so guilty. We had NO idea it would be that bad, especially since we usually talk at night. x_x Now I'm worried because if his bill is that bad then mine's fucked up too. Holy shit.
6/27/04 - 2:00 PM
I'm talking to Nick right now. Lol I'm making him laugh. I've been having a lot of doubts lately. I'm thinking of trying something new. Oh, and I found out why Pat hasn't been calling. He has bronchities. -_-'' Oh well. We'll see. If DAW Books doesn't accept my manuscript I'm gonna talk to him. Anyway, I haven't talked to Dave in a while. I hope he's okay. Also, I found out we're having guests stay here for a month. =/ I also found out we're having a guest on Wednesday. Heh.
6/26/04 - 6:30 PM
Oh god, this stuff is good. I'm pigging out on salad I made (complete with tofu and cruttons) with water, and I'm gonna have a bit of rice and tuna for my dinner. XD I love eating and feeling healthy. I'm so indecisive and scatter-brained. I'm really trying to focus on one thing lately. I'm going to commit myself. I did research on my new novel today. =) God, this is so good. Screw deli sandwiches and $5 salads. I can make my own. I convinced my aunt to take me to Safeway last night. We bought bread and bananas (I'm gonna try to eat fruits now) and turkey and soy milk and cottage cheese and all that fun healthy stuff. Nick's coming on Tuesday. I'm anxious. I'm gonna do pilates later tonight. I do it every afternoon or every night before I shower. ^-^ God, I feel great right now.
6/25/04 - 2:41 PM
I must have a ton of patience to keep up with this computer. God, I actually counted calories today and realized it takes me two to three days to consume 2,000 calories. =/ I don't know why I did it - I could be wrong. I also went to the doctor to make an appointment for a physical. We might go to the bread factory later. We probably will. I'm also gonna try to ask my aunt if we can buy vegetables and healthy food now. I've really got no appetite for sweets or anything unhealthy lately...not even meat. x_x Fucking pop-ups keep bugging me! Argh! Oh yeah, I'm keeping a food diary now. I don't know. Boredom does things to people. I'm also exercising regularly again. Heh.
6/24/04 - 5:01 PM
God, I just got my braces adjusted and I'm pigging out on cereal. I'm really avoiding fatty foods now. I'm doing a good job so far, I think. My computer's pissing me off, though. I've been restarting it all morning. My aunt's getting pissed off cause she's paying for AOL and our computer barely allows us to use it. I'd tell them to buy this thing more space cause right now that's what will keep this alive, but they never listen to me anyway until they experience the bullshit themselves. XP Oh well. Dave and I got into an argument. I hope he's okay. God, even when guys aren't assholes they still manage to be so difficult! If it's not their ego it's their stubborness. -_-'' Hell if I know how they pull that shit off. Blah. My mom should be coming next week. I'm looking forward to that. I'm hoping to make her feel better about our relationship. God, I love Honey Bunches of Oats. It seems that my driving thing is postponed thanks to my family's laziness and unwillingness to let me grow up. -_-'' Idiots. I hate to say it. I sound very bitter, but those fuckers put through more than my fair share of shit. The least they can do is let me try to have a life. I'm about to finish my summer reading books for English. I'm a fourth-way through the last one. I'm also gonna watch The Secret Window...only cause Johnny Depp's in it. Shit, I get full so easily these days. I'd say something poetic. I feel like writing, but the idea of so many things discourages me so badly lately. I really do need a miracle.
6/23/04 - 11:25 AM
I noticed that the images on this site aren't working. I checked my host and it's fine. Hmm. I hope this doesn't last long. Well I'm talking to Nick right now. We keep having late night-early morning talks, and I keep sleeping in. Everyone slept in today. They painted the kitchen orange, and they're gonna add the second coat today. It's beautiful. :) I've got an ortho appointment today. -_-'' I saw The Day After Tomorrow last night. It was pretty good. Good moral, good portrayal of both sides of the spectrum, slightly cheesy ending, but good nevertheless. I'd buy the dvd. My grandma saw The Stepford Wives. I didn't want to see it. I'm not into robot movies. XP
6/22/04 - 2:00 PM
I am a persistent little bitch, and I love it. I just called AOL several times, befriended the people there, and reinstalled AOL. Now I hope my computer will be a little more stable. Anyhow, I saw Girl Interrupted. Brilliant movie. We went to Viewmont last night. I also called my dad's parents to greet them. That was nice. I'm also on a non-chocolate diet. No ice cream or anything chocolate-ish for me. I'm eating a burger and fries though for lunch. =P I think I've been resorting to the two meals a day thing again. My body's also been stealing extra hours for rest. Poor thing's been deprived of sleep for so long. x_x I've had some weird dreams lately about cobwebs covering things I value. I think I got that dream figured out. It was pretty odd. I just checked out the meaning for cobwebs, though, and this is what it stands for: 1. talents not used 2. ideas or goals not put into practice 3. past memories that are holding you back. =/ So, so true. And you know what was sad? In my dream I was so afraid of touching the cobwebs that I tried desperately to get someone to take them off for me. One person considered it - some random guy. But overall, no one really helped me. I pretty much worked to get it off myself, but before I could actually do anything I'd wake up. Weird.
6/20/04 - 6:11 PM
Top 5 Things I Hate At The Moment:
1. My computer
2. My family
3. Periods
4. Being underage
5. Being/feeling fat
I got to cancel my tooth cleaning thing tomorrow, thank God. I'm not about ready to stay at my aunt's work all day. We're picking up the books sometime next week. My family's pissing me off. They're still trying to control everything like my volunteer work and my driving permit. My mom doesn't want me to get my permit yet cause she thinks I'm too young. I've had it. I've been patient for too long. These people can bite me. They've also been taking my spot on the couch for movie watching lately and being a bitch about it. I can't sit anywhere else cause I can't see over so many heads. >.< Blah. I'm watching the movies on my own. On a good note, we just came from the Elephant Bar for Father's Day. I had a Mango Margarita and Marjorie had a Shirley Temple. I think I might be a bit of an addict. I'm always craving margaritas. My dad wants to invite me to visit him in Dubai sometime. =) I'd LOVE to go! I'd be thrilled! I have to travel the world someday. ^^ I didn't know I was such a travel whore before. I'm also working on a new certain form of art of mine. M hmm. Tomorrow I'm gonna see About Polly and Girl, Interrupted...finally.
6/19/04 - 2:33 PM
I'm talking to Nick right now. God, I love him the more I talk to him. I just showered and painted a wall of our living room. I had to jump out and down to reach the higher levels. -_-'' So yeah, our living room is a mess right now. I also just ate a square of pizza. I was thinking maybe I could ask them if I could paint one wall of my room. We could only move the boys' bed and make a design or something. ^^ Oh, and they want me to do volunteer work at St. Vincent de Paul's again. ;_; It's so boring there.
6/18/04 - 7:20 PM
Wow, it's still so sunny outside. My aunt and Armando are out buying dinner from Costco. I love Nick more and more every day. :) He knows me too well. God, I wish my family could know about him. Lord, yesterday was the weirdest day of the year. I slept in, I ate noodles and cake for breakfast, and I had two bowls of Honey Bunches of Oats for lunch. For breakfast I got mashed potatoes I whipped up from those handy boxes. Heh. I feel so fat and dirty. My cramps nearly killed me today. I HATE periods! I'm bring some projects back to life like Cherry Boxers, my online portfolio, Incandescent (a story I stopped last year - I've been getting a lot of requests lately), and I'm also working on the layout for a wallpaper start I'm planning to start up. I'm also going to make a layout for a collective. =) Yep yep. I missed summer school sign-ups today, but it's okay. I was only wait-listed. Guess we'll have to pay for Driver's Ed. The wheels are slowly starting to turn now.
6/17/04 - 11:44 AM
Oh my god! I just woke up half an hour ago! I can't believe it. I still feel like I'm in a dream. I had several vivid dreams in a row. I'm hoping to feel more like myself today. I'm thinking my body must be making up for lack of sleep all throughout the year. I hope that's it. I called Nick up and he made me feel better. I love having a boyfriend. :) I just found out Father's Day is this sunday. x_x I've got some work to do. My folks went to McDonald's yesterday and bought me a salad. =) I scarfed the whole thing down. They also went to the mall and bought Armando a shirt for Father's Day. ^^ Oh, my hair's finally getting longer. -_-'' It's getting wavy too, though, and it's only been about a month. I finally told my aunt about my summer reading. I'll be doing stuff pretty soon. There goes my procrastination.
6/16/04 - 2:06 PM
Okay, I'm really anxious now. I can't even pick up a book without thinking about my novel. >.< Grr! It's so hot. I just sumbittied a new blend for another blend challenge cause I felt like it. I might also be making a hatelisting. I'm working on summer reading for school now. God, I'm so anxious. I'm so fucking anxious!
6/15/04 - 12:13 PM
God, this computer is a nightmare to start up. Nick and I got into a bit of a fight yesterday, which is weird because I've never had petty fights in my relationships before. x_x But in a way it's good because for me it signals that this relationship is going to be different than the rest. *shrugs* My aunt and Armando put up the new bookshelf yesterday. It looks good. It makes me want to buy more books. One shelf is filled up with my books. We also turned my manuscript in yesterday anyway. I sat myself down and made myself type out more words. The count went up to 83,806 words. So now it is on its way to New York. Wish me luck. I really hope this works out. I have high hopes and strong plans, and for once I'd like them to work out for the best.
6/14/04 - 1:31 PM
Brilliant. My aunt doesn't mail my manuscript in today because it's not 80,000 words like the guidlines mentioned. The rules stated that 80,000 words is preferred, though not exactly required. I don't want to add more words cause that's going to fuck up the page numbers and everything I worked hard to figure out. To make matters worse she just yelled at me for no reason, just cause she was in a bad mood to begin with. God, I fucking hate that bitch! She's so fucking inconsiderate. I swear, when she's pissed off the world must be entitled to deal with her bullshit. She needs to take everything out on everybody else. >.< Blah. If I'm that bad when I hit menopause I'm shooting myself.
6/13/04 - 9:22 PM
It was my grandma's birthday today. We had pizza and Chinese food and rented dvds. I saw Eurotrip, and I talked to my mom. I feel worse every time I talk to her because she's so lonely, and I don't know what I'm going to do about our situation. I suddenly don't know exactly what I'm going to do when I turn 18. I have ideas, but she wants certain things and I want certain things. It's complicated. It was nice to talk to her, though. I just talked to Nick, too. I think my aunt suspects we're together. I've been thinking a lot lately. I'm just sort of waiting to see if my novel will get published. Somehow everything depends on that because that'll give me the money I need. I hope it pulls through. We should mailing my manuscript to DAW Books tomorrow. :) Matt just IMed me again. He just graduated. I just made an interesting grungry layout. I'm not quite done yet, but I like it so far. It's different - it's creative. I used a theme from one of Jet's songs. Oh, and I went on a shopping spree. I got Nick's ring and bought five things from B&B Works, three things from Rave, and eye shadow. I bought two pairs of earrings too - larger hoops and chandelier earrings. I wore the second pair today with a poncho. I actually looked pretty today. :) Everything was on sale at the mall - everything was under $10! I loved it. ^^ You know, I feel blessed. Everything - well, most things - are rooting for me in a way. They will be. I have a lot of opportunities. I feel very lucky to be presented to so many things that most people only encounter when they're in their thirties or forties. :) I'm very pleased.
6/10/04 - 4:03 PM
I figured out the beginning of My Immortal on piano! I sat there and listened and got it right - both hands! ^^ My dream for the piano. And if it's not right, it sounds like it. I also got Bring Me To Life...just one hand, though. XP Just my right. Oh god I am hating my computer right now. I feel like throwing up. I'm excited, though, cause I'm turning in my manuscript to DAW Books. I'm not waiting for Pat. If he's not going to help me it's his loss, not mine. I just printed out a little something for my grandma's birthday tomorrow. I also just exercised and showered. *yawns* Armando's painting our living room beige now, and after he's gonna paint our kitchen bright yellow. ^^ Our place really looks like a catalog home now. =) I love it! I'd paint my room red instead of blue. I want the bathroom to be blue, but I'm not too keen on taking everything down. XP I just ate tofu and chicken. I'm eating healthy this summer. I gotta keep my health in check without PE.
6/10/04 - 4:03 PM
New hatelistings section is open! Our place looks like a catalog home! Armando's painting the foyer and hallway red, and he painted my aunt's room green and my grandma's yellow. I wanted to paint our room blue or something but we have too many pictures and stuff on the walls. XP One day I'm gonna save a room for my art, and I'm gonna save another room for meditation or...something. Another one will be painted black and white. It'll have a punching bag and mats all around for those days when I'm pissed and need to let off steam. =) It'll be where I exercise. On one wall I'll have a huge portrait of Trent from NIN and Amy Lee, and on the opposite wall I'll have Eric Bana and Johnny Depp. =) Yep yep. Marjorie was funny. She regrets buying a MADE sweater, so she took paper and copied the font exactly as it looks and replaced the M with J. ^^'' Jade from AFI. My computer finalls works now...for today. Last day of school was today. It's weird. I KNOW I'm at a transition right now. Everything I've wanted - well, most things - are finally coming true, and I'm really working for them now (jobs, cars, and all). I just discussed Driver's Ed with my aunt. I need 110 hours of driving with an instructor and someone over 21, and I also need four Saturdays of studies to get my permit. When I complete those, I'll go get tested and then I'll get my license. I'm supposed to start all that this summer. =) I was told I should use Armando's car for practice. Also, I plan to turn in my application this month. I'm waiting for summer reading information in the mail. I feel so old. Things are finally happening, and now I don't feel like I have enough time even though I really do. Nick and Sara want to live with me. What I will be working for once I get a job is enough money for me to survive living in with a roomie, and then I'll be working for my own place where people can come by and sleep in for a while. That's my plan. That's me being pretty realistic. Things are for sure pretty much, but I still have a lot of decisions. I'm pretty nervous to be honest. I'm facing my "future" now, and I realized I don't feel all that comfortable with the future after this future - the future of kids. It's okay, I have time until then. =P I found out that my mom and Allan will be coming over for a weekend on July 2. We're doing the Alcatraz tour (finally), and it turns out my uncle's coming, too. XP He's just going to visit my cousins. Pat hasn't called back at all. I'm pretty pissed off because I wanted to get something published as soon as possible, but he's being an asshole. Oh well. I'm still in that school zone. Earlier I was telling myself that I need to be quick with the internet because I still have school work to do, but when I thought about it I remembered that I don't have any school work right now. XP I just have to do what I have to do to get by right now. Oh, and I also have to exercise. XP I'm afraid to turn off my computer now. It takes forever just to get it to work this well. =/ Bah.
6/9/04 - 4:03 PM
O.o My computer works again. I honestly think my computer's about to crash again. I just saw Monster. Damn it was a good movie. I need to get it on dvd. It fucking scared me. I'm talking to Nick right now. :) I've been buying a lot of deli tuna sandwiches lately - I love Italian food. Tomorrow's the last day of school. Everything's weird and somewhat depressing now that school's over. I'm right in the middle of a transition right now. =/ Things are getting a lot better between Nick and me. Yes, we are a couple now. :) He just sent me an interesting letter. I loved it! It was so thoughtful! He suggested that we do a collaboration. ^^ I'm sure more things happened yesterday, but I can't think right now. I'm going to take advantage of my computer during its rare working moments.
6/7/04 - 4:24 PM
I'm talking to Nick right now and eating a deli sandwich. He's talking about the military. He'll be gone for ten weeks for basic training. He's telling me all about what he's doing. x_x I'm getting nervous. I just came home from school and Sara's house. The concert was fucking awesome! A Perfect Circle is SO much better live! Sara nearly cried when they played The Nurse Who Loved Me. They played The Noose second to last. =) I didn't see the closing act, though. -_-'' Sara had to go to the bathroom, but I know the song was Judith. I loved A Perfect Circle - lots of sex appeal and humor. They dedicated one song to people who masturbate while dreaming of anal sex with their fifth grade teachers. XD And to think people said they never talked. They were fucking great. Burning Brides was the opening act. They were filming for a video. APC actually started a mosh pit. What sucks though is that the whole night everyone was smoking weed and cigarettes. Sara had beer so this morning she had a tiny hangover. We slept in the same bed (no, nothing perverted happened), and we woke up five hours later. I'm not that tired, actually. I was dizzy and tipsy, though. XP I gotta study for finals this week. Damn, my computer's actually working the first time today. O.o Marjorie got me a blue swirly vase thing from Ikea cause they went there while I was at the concert. XD I love that girl. She can be so sweet and thoughtful when she wants to be. I LOVE blue, and I've always wanted one of those vase thingies. ^^ Anyhow, quiz fest.
Compassion: You are there to share your sympathy
with others. People would consider you
affectionate and caring, and someone to look up
to.
Which Characteristic From the Samurai Code Matches You Best? (You may find out your best trait)
brought to you by Quizilla
Which Pirates of the Caribbean character are you?
Hehe, so true. XP
Emo! You're very in touch with your emotions and
that's what I like about you! It's all about
the music for you... I have pity for your
tortured soul...you're just like me...
What genre of rock are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
-_-'' Right.
Take the What High School
Stereotype Are You? quiz.
XD Lol, I'm a jock!
6/5/04 - 5:28 PM
What do you do when the one person you never fought with during your early years now believes that you're the worst person in the world? I never ever imagined that my grandma and I would be growing apart like this. I try so hard to make her happy, but sometimes I can't help but fear that I ought to be trying harder. But she just makes things so difficult for me. I won't li - 98% of the time she's the proud one who won't admit anything. It's as if she's under the impression that the world is a perfect place with the exact faults she believes it holds. It's like she thinks the world must agree with her all the time, like it owes it her something. She sure as hell acts like it. Every fucking day is a war with her. She can't accept it when other people are down or mad or just don't want to talk. She doesn't understand that people can't talk to her 24/7, and that we have lives of her own. She doesn't get that our lives are not like hers, and that the world isn't all she thinks it is. She's so judgmental and blunt and inconsiderate, and she's a complete hypocrite! She's not like most grandmothers. Most people say that they know what I mean, but really most of them don't. I don't think many have grandmothers who judge you and humiliate you constantly and tell you straight to your face that you're a cold, selfish, unfeeling person. Why do I feel guilty for her faults? She's always put pressure upon me, and it seems that no one in my family really recognizes how bad it is! It's driving me insane! For years I've been trying to prove to her that she is loved and appreciated, but damn! I don't even know what to do anymore. I hate her. Now I can honestly say that I hate her and that I've tried almost everything to please her, but she won't see anyone or anything else or different beyond her conceited little bubble. People tell me that she's old and that she won't change, so I just have to accept it and bear with it. But every day things get worse, and now I'm literally forced to hold my mouth and "turn the other cheek", even though she spits on it and slaps it and then laughs like nothing happened. I hate feeling like this. I hate what people do to me. I hate it even more that it's my family - that it's the people I loved so much and adored when I was little kid. :( God, I am in tears. Blah. I hate this. I hate my situation. No words can ever express how horrible this is. I'm just afraid that time's going to run out and people will never see me for who I really am. I'm just afraid that the people I care most about will leave thinking I'm a shitty person. I'm not, I swear I'm not, but what's the use of being a good person if nobody sees it? I'm afraid these feelings are never going to leave me. I don't know what to do anymore or what to think. This really is torture. This is torture in its purest form. What do you do when your own family manipulates you and screws you up so badly and traps you without even knowing it? I wish I could pretend I don't care, but I'm not like that. I can't just ignore this. I love these people, and I'm terrified that they're going to die one day thinking I was the worst thing that ever happened. I don't think anybody knows what I'm going through. I'm not even sure if people should know. Nobody knows. Sometimes I end up thinking that maybe I am just a fuck-up, but I know better. Sometimes I question just how proud I am to keep standing despite everything my family does to me. In all truth, I feel ashamed writing about this, but I have to let it out somehow. It kills me every day. I'm so scared I'm going to turn into them. I'm so scared I'm going to screw up my kids. They never know I cry for them. They never know that everything I do is somehow related to them. They never know that every thought I have is somehow meant to please them. They never know how much I love them and wish things could just be okay.
6/5/04 - 11:00 AM
Well damn, my computer works. It takes a lot of time and effort, though. If all my plans work out I won't have much of time. I've got volunteer work in mind and an application to turn in. The concert's tomorrow. I'm going to be studying. I think my aunt's pissed at me. -_-'' I may be in a bit of trouble, but then again what's new? Oh, and I just discovered my school sells ceasar salad for a dollar. =) My newfound lunch, the one I've always wanted. One day I'm going to live off Starbucks for breakfast and salad and water for lunch. Dinner will be whatever. XD Everything's changing right now. Things I've thought about are taking place, and I'm a little wary because I know that once something happens I can't go back. Also, Nick said something really sweet and interesting last night. :) We'll see how things go. A few days ago he also invited me to Seattle for New Year's. He's been inviting me to many things but I can't accept any offers yet. =/ Someday.
6/4/04 - 6:23 PM
I discovered that IE works while AOL is on crack. I've found my new best friend. Hopefully I'll be able to access the internet more often. I got A LOT of work done for school. I secured a spot in AP History with a little speech, and I confirmed my Link Crew membership. Things are looking up for me right now. I hope it lasts. This weekend I have to study my bum off and memorize a shitload of lines for Drama and English, then I'm off to see APC on sunday with Sara. :) God, I miss the internet. My grandma's been really cruel to me lately. Mr. Crockett had a heart to heart with me, Sara, and Cherie today. I love that guy. He kept refering to me and complimenting me. ^^ His speech proves that yes, he is a man of his word and a true elitist, and thus, I can feel comfortable believing what he says. He also gave me a little preview of my years to come in English Honors. I'm pretty sure I'll survive. Now wish me luck on finals next week. I'll be checking to see if I made it into Driver's Ed. Oh, and I scored an interview for modeling/acting. Now let's just pray my family will let me do this once and for. I've passed up on too many interviews before. They'd better not screw this one up. Oh and I got my hair straightened. -_-'' The lady cut my hair too short and the waves are coming back, but it's cute so it's all good. Oh, and Nick and I are going really well with the relationship. I'm teaching him Tagalog. :)
6/2/04 - 9:09 PM
OH MY GOD!!! I can't BELIEVE my computer! Jesus Christ, it hasn't been working AT ALL! I think we're gonna go get it checked for a irus. I'm so pissed off, I got my hair straightened today but the dresser cut it too fucking short. I'm stressed out for finals, I have a million projects due (my whole week is booked), and to make it worse I can't update my journal daily or talk to people online regularly. On a good note, though, I talked to a guy for Sara and got them to exchange numbers. Blah. This week sucks.
5/31/04 - 4:42 PM
The official Philippine Mango Juice fanlisting is up.
5/31/04 - 9:53 AM
Holy shit! I can't believe this fucking computer! It took me four restarts today and an entire breakfast just for one site and the popups to load. >.< Ugh! How the hell am I supposed to get anything done with this piece of shit? To make matters worse, I think my hair straightening thing might be held off until the weekend. -_-'' My aunt's being a little bitch again - not to me this time, but to Marjorie. She's doing the exact same thing to the poor girl as she did to me Saturday. I'm not going to go into detail, it's no use. But god damn! She's literally acting like a little brat, putting everybody on a guilt trip just so she has an excuse to stay mad and feel good about herself. Fucking menopause. I hate it. I finished my drama script, though. I saw Uptown Girls last night, too. I can't believe I got that much done with this piece of crap. -_-'' Blah. Ugh, sometimes I can't even believe that the people I live with are my family. They're the ones who stomp around and yell things off the top of their heads like children, and the kids are the ones who find themselves telling them to calm down and asking them not to yell. It sounds pathetic, almost funny, but this family's gone down so low that I can barely believe my ears and eyes.
5/30/04 - 6:43 PM
I think I'm sick. I don't see how I'm going to get any work done with this blasted computer. I just returned from the beach with ice cream and two rented movies. I flipped a guy off, I drank a sip of beer and went mad with laughter, I gushed over surfers and the landscapes and dogs, and there's something else that happened which I'd rather not mention. XP It just makes me imagine things I don't wish to imagine. Anyhow, those were good times today. Now I must procrastinate and study.
5/30/04 - 11:50 AM
My aunt's being such a bitch lately. I can't believe how immature and blinded she's being. God, I won't even go there. She's been too big of a two-faced bitch for me to explain. -_-'' Anyway, we went to Union City yesterday. They cancelled my hair straightening appointment. >.< We're supposed to do it this Tuesday instead. I saw my godmother and Jamie and the kids. They're all so cute, and god they've grown! They're all more like brothers and sisters to me, so it's all good. I also saw my great aunt Trina and my granma's friend Annie. The little kids running around were adorable. I had the best coffee of my life yesterday, and we saw Troy. God damn that was a brilliant movie! I did NOT want to leave the theatre. I actually gained respect for Brad Pitt in that movie. I also found my new sex god. Eric Bana can do me any day. =) Good stuff. That movie was heartbreaking. It was good, I liked it. Screw the critics - it was good. Right now we just came from church and we're about to go to the beach. I still have to study for finals, and I have a drama script to type. Blah.
5/25/04 - 3:44 PM
God, I am hating my aunt right now. She's so fucking nosy! My mom was gonna send me $50, but my aunt told her not to send it anymore because I just got $67. I was counting on that money to buy new contacts. God, I hate her! The bitch thinks she knows everything. >.< I wish she'd just mind her own business for once! -_-'' Now I feel cheap cause I'm getting mad over money. I can't tell them about my plan to buy colored contacts. They're easier for me to put on, but they won't understand how and they're going to make fun of me. Bastards. I'd like to stuff socks in their ugly mouths. God, how much longer do I have put up with this shit? And to make matters worse, I have a script to type (our final Drama scene is with Sara and Cherie again, and they're counting on me to write something once more cause the other two scripts were really good), but my computer's being a fucking bitch. Blah.
5/23/04 - 7:19 PM
Whoa, it's amazing what can happen in one day. I got $67 left over from my account savings, so I got to treat Marjorie out for Chinese dinner and buy stuff at Target. I finally bought the chicago soundtrack, and my aunt bought me a bikini. =D It's the black one I've always wanted. God, I can't believe how today turned out. We also went to Starbucks, where they told me my godmother (the one I recently talked to and haven't seen in years) is coming over on Thursday. ^^ The thing is, she has a son named Jaime who's my age. =P He's the kid my family's been pairing me up with ever since I was a little girl. My granmda wouldn't stop going on and on about how sparks might fly. XP She said he's tall, dark, handsome, and rich - what more could I want? Well, I sort of prefer tall, white, and handsome, and money doesn't matter much to me. I told her that and she got pissed. XD I've got my heart set on someone else. :) Oh, and I called my mom today. I apologized to her for yelling at her the other day. She was talking about how she wants me to move in with her after high school. Heh. XP Oh, the situations life hands me.
5/23/04 - 9:45 AM
God, this weekend is flying by. I hate it. I still have work to do. Marjorie met the mayor last night at a concert. She saw Train live while she was there. XP She said the mayor was a pretty boy. "He even smelled pretty." XD Lol, exactly the way I imagined him. I keep having these weird dreams lately. They're all the same to a certain degree, and I don't understand how or why. =/ Anyhow, I still have math to finish. Che. -_-''
5/22/04 - 12:59 PM
William's back, thank God. Sara and I were about to engage in several bitch fights yesterday at school. A bunch of girls have been giving us problems. She was about to lose it. Lol, I had to stop her. She was in a scandalous mood. XP I was too, for a minute, but I'm not the type to fight for no strong reason. I went to the dance show. It was all right. Some numbers were good, but overall the dancers were really sloppy. -_-'' They didn't dance at the same time. Bah. It was all right. I just don't think eight dollars was worth it. I've got to look around for a summer job. If I can't find one my aunt's gonna let me work as a receptionist for her boss. =P Yep, the sexy guy with the sexy boyfriend. *nods* I'm hoping a miracle will happen and Pat will drop in while I'm working there. Hey, you never know. But I'm not counting on him. I'm going to take my writing a new direction soon. Oh, and I think El Co is now aware of my "speech skills". They're all wary of me now. They know I'm polite but, for instance, Jackson never sent me down on errands because he and the office are aware of what I can do. XP I'm the stubborn, argumentative type. You know what, I've got honors English and History classes. Maybe I ought to become a lawyer. Too bad I don't fancy the political language. XP Anyhow, Nick's gone today. I'm listening to N.E.R.D. and procrastinating for just a little bit. Oh, and I just The Last Samurai. I think it may have just changed my opinion of Tom Cruise. Good stuff.
5/20/04 - 7:02 PM
Marjorie beat me to the computer. -_-'' I've got a lot to do again. Tomorrow I'm gonna go send in an internship application after school. I'm going to inquire about Link Crew and my essay test results. I need to start studying for finals. I'm about to call my mom and bug her about letting me get a job. I'm so frustrated! I need to make money. $60...no, $40 does not cut it for a sixteen year old girl about to take her driver's test. The courses cost $100. My ass does not spit $100. My family's so fucking stubborn. I'll need a lot of luck with this upcoming convo/argument with her. Also, tomorrow my family and are I planning to go see El Co's dance show. I'm really dying to see it. I really need to distract myself while Nick's gone. After basic training he'll get shipped abroad (maybe Japan) for three years. Last night he asked me to wait for him. I asked him if he wanted me to, and he said yes. He's really worried that I'm going to cheat on him because he's had bad luck with women, but I'm worried that he'll cheat on me. I know he won't, but I'm a paranoid girl. I'll really need to busy myself. And even more bad news, William said he won't be on for a while. :( Blah. You know, I don't like goodbyes. I don't believe in goodbyes with the people I love. It has to be "see you soon". =/ I'm starting to take some action with working for what I want. I'm planning to try to get a membership to a gym. I know life's gonna try to fuck me up, and right now I've pretty much decided that no one's really going to help me. I've got Nick and Will, though not physically. I'm thankful for that, and when it comes to most matters I have Marjorie, but the rest is up to me. So you know what, screw it. I'm going to work and keep a level head because the world's out to get me, and no one is going to miraculously save my life except for myself and God. Yes, I'm still religious about that. I'm off to go plant my own fields with my own seeds and my own freakin' water. So fuck it to everyone else. On a brighter note, our scene in drama rocked today...the second one I wrote. EVERYONE was laughing and ready to jump off and kill our characters! They were so bitchy and believable, and I could barely keep a straight face. I was so thrilled when I heard everyone saying, "Oh hell no! I would've slapped her!" =D Crockett was laughing! Well, at least that goes to prove that there are some things that can be done right. They be small and inconsistent, but they're there and they help. Who knows, they may even build up eventually. Good luck to me. Something tells me I've got a dry road ahead.
5/19/04 - 4:38 PM
Okay guys, you all really need to start following the rules for my fanlistings. I've received SO MANY submissions to all of the fanlistings I've created, as well as my Dirty Pink clique. Please, please, please follow the rules! List your country, and always have an English version for your site. I'm not from Poland, I am not French, there are only two other languages other than English that I can read...I'm not willing to go hunt down the members just so I can ask them to update the forms they've joined. I cannot stress how frustrating this is. I've had to reject certain submissions due to this sudden inability to obey simple rules. >.< How hard is it to use common use? If you're that unfamiliar with the internet then maybe you shouldn't be joining fanlistings anyway. Forgive me if that sounds mean, but the ridiculous submissions I've been receiving prove this to be true.
Okay, off the topic. God, I've got so much work to do and no one's helping me one bit. All I ask is that at the very least, if people are going to do things that involve me they should do their part and not make me have to go that extra mile to make up for their mistake. It's driving me insane! I have so much homework and Shakespeare scenes to do today, my whole week has been booked so far, I've literally got at least two miniature stalkers right now, almost everybody's being two-faced, my computer is being a dipshit so I can barely work, and I'm struggling under restrictions. This wouldn't bother me all that much if only people could stick to their side of the fence or help me out in the right way. If not, then FUCK OFF! >.< I didn't make it into summer school because "I don't need it." That means my schedule's gonna be fucked up next year, and maybe the years after that. I got wait-listed for Driver's Ed. -_-'' Big whoop. I bet people are going to want me to go to FL or LA again this summer. God forgive me, but I'm so sick and tired of LA, and I'd go to FL provided they don't force me to play football there and provided it's not for too long. I just want to be able to relax all summer and do what I want to do for once. I've never had a summer like that...not one within memory. I still have a ton of work to do over the summer. I have summer reading. I'll also be looking for a summer job. Good luck to me. My aunt's bitching at me and being annoying. That girl is too perky. I have to go around school to inquire about things because the school's too fucking lazy and retarded to get off their butts and pay attention to the students. The Jackson thing is still uncertain. Everyone is being so fucking difficult! God, if the world can't help me then maybe it could learn to just stay out of my way. -_-'' I'm trying to go to El Co's dance thing, but alas, transportation is an issue. Blah, what's new? I still have to shave tonight and memorize my lines for Drama. I also have to find the time to finish the upcoming official fanlisting for Philippine Mango Juice. Che. These little things are driving me insane. I wish I could at least see Nick or get a car to escape for a while. Oh a somewhat brighter note, I'm listening to Shrek 2's version of Livin La Vida Loca by Antonio Banderas and Eddie Murphy. =P It's funny. Antonion Banderas...sexy.
5/17/04 - 7:57 PM
I want to go to Columbia University. =P I found the perfect things I need. I have the soures I need. Now I just need a go from everybody and a boost for my sloth, and then I'm good to go. =P Only 10 more working days of school left, not counting Memorial Day and Dead Week. Wow...this year flew by. We're still waiting for the results of Jackson's case. God, I hope they keep him. Tomorrow Sara's taking me to Denny's after school cause her grandma's treating people out for dinner for her sister's birthday. =D Oh yeah. Melody's been stuffing herself today. I bought tortilla chips with guacamole and salsa dip and a mango Snapple. Mmm. I also started making the layout for the the official Philippine Mango Juice fanlisting, which I plan to open before the month is over. God, I need to start studying for finals. This summer's gonna kill me. I signed up for summer school, and since I have English H and AP History my ass is gonna be reading ten thousand thick books. XP 7, I think. I hate reading over the summer. That just ruins the whole relaxation point of it. Oh, and I don't know what hit me but I just came to a comfortable conclusion about certain personal questions I've been asking myself, particularly with sex. Wow, I can't believe I just decided on certain things today. I hope I'm actually getting somewhere now. It feels good and awkward not being indecisive for once. You know, sometimes I wonder if I'm going to end having to choose between success and what I love. I mean, right now I'm already stuck between San Francisco and my mother, and that's not looking too good. What if I end up having to pick between something I want, something I've been working for all my life, and the people or things I love? Just a random thought. The sad part is, it's not very unlikely. It just makes me wonder and gets me down a bit. I just wonder what will happen then, which one I will choose.
5/16/04 - 4:12 PM
My computer is a weirdass. It crashed completely for two days, and now it's suddenly back to normal. I checked my space...I have more free space than used. I think it's a virus, but then again I can't thank of an explanation for this. -_-'' It might happen again. Anyway, yesterday boredom did things to me so I cleaned my drawer and watched Scary Movie 3 and Chasing Liberty. Heh. Poor Billy was worried while I was gone. I was afraid I would be computer-less for the next few weeks. x.x'' Nick and I grew a lot closer over the past few days. Right now the only thing stopping us is transportation - that and we're trying to wait until after basic training at the Airforce. :) I'm in love, I'm in love, and I'm praying to God that the world won't take this away from me. My heart has been taken by a wonderful man, and I've broken through conditions that were nearly unimaginable. I can't believe I've come this far. I didn't see it happen - it just did, and it's a real thing. Yes, I am in love. Yes, I am praying to God and the universe that the world won't take this away from me.
5/12/04 - 3:21 PM
God, Sara's being such a bitch lately. I swear, that girl goes through PMS every two minutes. And the sad part is, when she's pissed off she deliberately acts like a little kid and drags everybody down with her. Then when she's happy she's just careless and completely oblivious to everyone else. God, why do I always pick the happy-go-lucky sort of people to be friends with? >.< My computer's pissing me off. I'm eating cheesecake and making myself fat. x_x Oh well. And to make matters worse my cousins are home and they're all after the computer again. God, why are people so fucking selfish? When they can use you they're fine but when they want something they get all bitchy. >.< My mom also just sent me an email discussing our situation. *sighs* This day is shitty...really shitty. I'm really hating my life right now. Honestly, it would drive me even more insane if I didn't have Nick. We talk every night - that helps. =/ The world is teasing me and discouraging me all at once regarding nearly all matters. God, somebody distract me. I need a distraction or I'm just gonna blow up at people. I made a list of people to do before I die in Drama today. =P Billy, you were on that list. *sighs* Ah, life's a bitch. Life's a big fat bitch on PMS with warts on her ass, stretch marks, a hairy beer belly, blood-shot eyes, wild hair, and a shotgun. -_-'' On a brighter note, two good things did happen. My godmother Angel just called. :) I haven't seen her or spoken to her since I was about 8. ^^ My aunt also just called me and told me I can go to DMV.com, study for my driver's written test, take the written test, then go to driving school. =D I don't have to wait at all. *grins* Wish me luck. I'm getting a car and getting my ass out of here. =P
5/11/04 - 4:23 PM
I fucking hate this computer. Swimming sucked today. Level four is so fucking hard! God, my endurance sucked. Torres kept making fun of me. Mr. Duff was right - I'm too strong of a swimmer. I need to somehow conserve my energy and keep swimming fast. How the hell do you do that? I found myself rethinking my major decision over again. Yep, I really need help. I gotta talk to somebody. I might try my counselor but those things make me so uncomfortable. Anyhow, I keep talking to Nick lately. I was so lovestruck yesterday. Today I've got it under control, but I can still feel the smile just dying to come to my lips. :) Lol, god I love this part of being in love. ^^ William wants me to dedicate a post to him. =P That guy is such a faithful reader of this online diary. I love you, Billy. You're the best-est ex boyfriend and friend anybody in the world could ever have. If all girls had a guy like you, there'd be less PMS and guns. I adore ya. *grins* You might more than the world to me. Thanks for sticking around. Muah! XP Oh and btw, yeah, I am giddy. :) You have no idea.
5/08/04 - 10:30 PM
Whoa...my wish came true. I have the house all to myself today. :) Which is great, cause I wanna get some stuff done online and for school. I've got nobody to bother me today. I'm thinking that I'm probably gonna go to the Boardwalk tomorrow. Ah well, it might actually be fun. I told off Jeff last night. Idiot wouldn't fuck off when people wanted him to. >.< He really creeped me out. Stalker-ish behavior like that really gets me. Anyhow, Nick called me last night. It turns out he'll be doing intelligence at the Airforce, and he'll be limited to just the U.S. Thank god. We got some things out in the open, and he sang for me. I think we really are now at a point in which the only thing that's stopping us from being together is that we would be unable to physically go out...yet. :) Oh well, time will tell. I'll just let things happen. It might actually be a good thing. Thank god this weekend's going as planned so far. Oh, and Sara and I might be getting demos from a local band. Hehe. :) Btw, Dave's back. He turned nineteen on the 17th of April. ^^
5/07/04 - 6:22 PM
God, I hate forgetting things. I had a good, long cry last night. I feel so much better. I think I might actually talk to my school counselor and ask her about my academics. Right now, they're the core (or part of the core) of my problems. I'm just not satisfied. I gotta do something about this pressure or I'm going to lose it. Right now I'm okay, though. I just watcheds Hercules and The Mask, and I'm talking to William. :) I'm dying to go to a club right now and flirt and dance and just lose myself in music or something. Yes, I feel like drinking. This is one of those calms between or after the storm when everything's on a scale of balancing out, and I just find myself needing a distraction - a really good break. I hope I get that break this weekend. This past month I've been dying to just stay home and not have any work because I've been so depirved of sleep and I'm tired. I'm so stressed out - I was so braindead and drowsy in class today, and in swimming I was pretty weak. I'm usually a strong swimmer. =/ I'm hoping I can sleep in all weekend (I really need to), but my family is planning to go to the Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk this Sunday. I'm not so sure if I want to. I know the idea of waking up early doesn't thrill me. Sara was inviting me to sleep over on Saturday, but I really just want all of Saturday to myself. We might see Van Helsing if that happens. Anyhow, I just got the crossaints I ordered. Good stuff.
I've been thinking and yet not thinking a lot about Nick lately. I came to a conclusion. I do love him, and he probably does care about me. He's definitely the sort of man I will always love or can always fall in love with, but right now I'm not so sure if anything's going to happen with that. I'm just not going to get my hopes up. It still hurts a bit, but I think I'm actually ready to just take whatever happens, make the most out of it, and move on. If he ever needs me as a friend or more, I'll always be here. But he has some things he needs to sort out on his own, so unless/until he does so and makes up his own mind about the two of us I'm not going to do anything. He can come to me if it's really meant to happen.
I feel so much better. :) Call me cheesy but I yelled at God last night. XP I never really told him I hated him. Something tells me this is what he wants me to do - to permit myself to get mad at him for once. It's quite liberating to be honest. Since I obviously have no/little control over things right now, I'm just going to try and sit back and see what happens. Anyhow, Sara, Cherri, and I are doing another three-person scene for Drama. It might be the last scene of the sort that we're gonna have. Crockett wanted to pair me up with two other good actors from Drama, but Cherrie wanted to work with me and Sara, and because our past scene (the one I wrote) went so well Crockett was pretty happy to have the three of us work together again. Thing is, they want me to write the script again. =P I need some inspiration. I'm also feeling so much better about my language skills. I think it's now safe to say I'm multi-lingual...my Spanish has improved A LOT. Oh, and thanks to Billy I now know how to say "I want" in German. XP Lol, thanks William! XD
5/06/04 - 6:14 PM
William was too sweet yesteday. =D He saw that I was craving a pina colada and chocolate cheesecake (I still am) so he offered me some. ^^ I love that guy. Lots of things (particularly from school) have been reminding me of other stuff and making me think about certain things a bit more. I realized I'm holding grudges against certain mistakes from the past even though I don't mean to. I feel horrible because I don't want to hold anything against anybody, and I don't think I should be, but I feel like something's missing. Something has yet to be made up for. =/ My family's academic pressures are really tearing me up lately, as well. It's always been the same, but I dismissed it a lot more easily before. It never bothered this much or for this long. I guess I'm just getting really frustrated now because, as I've mentioned before, I always have to put things on hold even though I've got the power to do great things with my time. I've had my chances. It's just really tiring me out and infuriating me that I've had to pass up on all these rare opportunities because of unreasonable decisions made by my prideful relatives. I hate it. I don't know what to do anymore. I keep trying, but I don't know if I can or should keep doing so. I think I'm about to be genuinely scared. I'm so controlled, and I keep struggling against it but I'm not getting anywhere. And I HATE being controlled. I always have to be in control of things to a certain degree at least or I'll go mad. I really need help.
5/05/04 - 5:04 PM
I fucking HATE this god damn computer! How many pop up control programs do I have? Fucking pieces of shit don't fucking wory! Damn! God, I can't believe how furious I am right now! I'm literally sitting here, telling myself to calm down and breathe. I hate this fucking computer. It's five o'clock and I still have a shitload of work to do. You know what else I hate? I hate changing after swimming cause it fucking takes too long, it's so uncomfortable, and by the time I get to the cafeteria they're out of nuggets. -_-'' Blah. You know what, screw it.
Okay, rant over. God, my mood swings are dangerous. Happy Cinco de Mayo to anyone who celebrates it. I thought my Cinco de Mayo would be better. I was gonna play latin music and light incense, but I still have a ton of work to do especially for school. =/ Well actually, I do have music blasted up, and though I'm not eating tortilla chips or burritos I am getting chicken nuggets from McDonald's. XP I just made up my mind that when I have kids I'm going to celebrate Cinco de Mayo in honor of our Hispanic/Latin heritage. Bueno, salud to la independencia Mexicanas y la cultura Hispánica! Felize Cinco de Mayo, chicos!
5/04/04 - 4:37 PM
Let me keep this brief and simple: swimming's fun, I'm in level three, but changing kills. My hair is a frizzball, but it's all good. I just got a few answers regarding Nick. :) I'm also full. I just ate a deli sandwich and mango juice. I also ordered crossaints. Oh yeah. I have so much work to do. -_-'' We're having a Cinco de Mayo party in Spanish class tomorrow, but everybody's planning to bring Filipino food and Tortilla chips. Lol. Here's a quote Weston said: "I wish I could be a firetruck so the firemen could ride me!" Lmao. Me too. XP
5/01/04 - 6:22 PM
I entered a contest (a blend challenge) for people to create promotional posters for the movie Troy. The webmistress was contacted by Warner Bros. and all. The winner receives a package. Here's my work: Troy. =P Not bad. Happy May, people.
4/30/04 - 6:22 PM
God, I'm so restless again. Why does life hand me all these opportunities to do things I know I'd be good at but prevent me from taking them up? God knows I try all the time. Just today Crockett complimented me again. He said "I'm good" and he hugged me. ^^ God, I think he's the only man on earth who can flatter me so much. XP Everybody keeps complimenting us on our scene...even up to know. I won't elaborate on that. =P I talked to Nick. I'm so glad we cleared so many more things up. I just said so many things I've been wanting to say. I'm feeling a bit bold today. ^^ I just think our friendship was strengthened a bit. I really do hope he'll be okay. Instead of joining the Navy he will now join the Airforce. Heh. My aunt talked to Pat's wife. She said he's really busy, and she told my aunt to just leave him a message. God, how much longer do I have to wait for things?! I know I shouldn't question things but I don't think anyone can blame me, given my situation. XP I learned a bit more about Mike. He seems really cool and crazy. XD I'm talking to William right now. =) I just realized something: I can't cook. Well, I don't know how. I can make really good breakfast and I can mix food up. I can learn new recipes and I know some good dishes, but overall I can't cook. X_x I'm better at fastfood and the microwave. I'm an expert at Costco-bought products...not cold-cuts or whatnot. x_x Ack.
4/29/04 - 3:57 PM
I just made a new fanlisting. This is the life - I'm sitting here eating Lay's Barbecue chips and drinking Philippine mango juice. There isn't one like it. =) I've loved it ever since I was little. God, it's the richest, sweetest mango juice on earth. I went to school in a dress today. I wore it to my graduation party. It's white with blue flowers. I wore it with flip-flops. I got lots of compliments and stares and whistles. XP I felt fine, though, cause all the other girls were in shorts and skirts. Sara went to school in pigtails and boots, looking all gothed out. Haha...people kept making fun of her, but everyone loved the outfit. I can't wait for Monday...swimming. =)
4/28/04 - 3:45 PM
Oh, holy shit! Today was fucking BRILLIANT! I wore my poncho and surprisingly everybody loved it. I went to Sara's house early in the morning. We listened to The Bloodhound Gang and went on her cam. I made a kickass layout yesterday. I can't wait to use it. I saw Mike again (apparently he really likes me), and my highlight is that my scene in Drama kicked ass! I wrote it two weeks ago...Crockett didn't have a single bad thing to say. He stood up for us, people cheered and laughed...the response was amazing! =D They even asked us to do it for Drama Night. Lol holy shit...I'm just thrilled right now. My wishes are coming true. Now if only one of my biggest wishes (Pat calling) would happen...Lol I talked to William about my crush on Mike and he was all, "You've never talked to him personally and yet you like him? I'll never understand people." ^^ It's okay, Billy, neither will I.
4/27/04 - 3:47 PM
The Bay Area has reached record-breaking temperatures this week since 1957 and 1983 in San Jose. They've sent out alerts since the temperatures are said to rapidly rise to life-threatening levels. Heh. Sara just gave my screen name to a friend of hers (Mike) because I thought he was cute. Apparently he thinks I'm "cute" and "pretty", and he asked her for my sn when she told him. =P Whee. Haha, I played Weston yesterday. He was all, "my girlfriend's hot." I told him, "My girlfriend's hotter than yours. She's latina and she's 5'7'' with big tits." He eyes went wide. He was all, "really?" Lol. Anyhow, I'm proud of Jeff. The guy finally evened things out with his problems with his girlfriend and this mess he got himself into. :) I imagine it must be a huge relief for him. Nick also emailed me his novel after all this time. I called him last night at work just to tell him off...I think it worked. I swear, guys slack off when you're nice and they complain when you're a bitch. =P Gee, I wonder why. I have to go to Sara's house tomorrow morning because we don't have to be at school until 10 AM due to testing. So much for sleeping in. Oh well, that's okay. I also talked to my grandparents last night. Thank god my novel didn't mortify them too much. =D I'm off to do web design, talk to Billy, call Sara, finish up school work, and read Nick's novel.
this is my way to live
What about yours?
made by rav-chan
4/26/04 - 7:12 PM
I'm about to burn Marjorie's CD (The Reason). I'm singing along to Nirvana. "I'm so ugly. That's okay cause so are you." I love those lyrics. Now I'm listening to My Goodbyes by Saliva. I just got off the phone with Sara and I just told Nick off, I'm helping Jeff out, and I just discovered Will actually plans to read all my entries. =P "But you know that if there's ever anything I can do for you, I'll do it in a heartbeat." Lol, thank you, Billy. :) That means a lot. Anyway, no more mushy stuff for the rest of the people. XP PE was shit. It was boring, and we had to look busy under the scorching sun. >.< Oh, and it seems that Dewy still likes me, but he keeps denying it. -_-'' Meh. According to my aunt (Nursing major) the following foods will clog my arteries someday: Coffee Mate creamer, pork, Carnation hot chocolate, and several other delicacies, all of which I love. I am not going to sacrifice my hot cocoa just because it'll take two years off my life. -_-'' I wish they'd keep this knowledge to themselves, my family. Ignorance is bliss. Maybe if I suffered a stroke they could bring it up. I had something else to type down but I forgot. God, I'm so hot. I'm wearing shorts, I just shaved, I'm drinking guava juice, yet the sweat is persistent. Eek.
4/25/04 - 8:34 PM
I don't know which is worse: people being too apathetic or too emotional. People's sentiments are so sensitive and dangerous. I'm honestly beginning to hate them. I just got off the phone with my mom. I blurted out a bunch of things that I've been feeling for the longest time, such as my guilt whenever I bring up financial topics with her and how restricted I feel knowing I can do somrthing and yet I'm not allowed to. She cried again because she said her father and I are the two people she loves more than anyone else...and I'm here...and he's sick. :( I feel like shit. God, almost every time I talk to her my heart breaks. I know it sounds stupid, but I hate that she feels worse than I do. She told me that lately she's cried so often because she's always alone. I have to do something to make her feel better, but the one way for me to do that is out of the question. I'm wondering if it should be. Blah. Life sucks. What the hell am I supposed to do? And you know, it would help if Pat could call. He's really pissing me off. My aunt's pretty irritated, too. People suck. Life sucks. They can all kiss my ass. I've been polishing the world's shoes yet nothing's happening. I don't think it's wrong that I've got a right to actually question things because when all I've been doing is keeping to my place it kind of tires a girl out. I don't know how much longer I can put up with all of this. On the bright side I just went to Pacifica with my family. That was great. This weather rocks, but right now the heat is killing me. I also burned Armando a CD. It took me an hour cause my computer is so slow. -_-'' I''m not done with the world right now. Everybody's giving me shit and I'm just about to blow. Just when I try to speak my mind everybody and everything turns away, and that's pissing me off. I need my chance. I need an opportunity just like everyone else. I'm not fucking through the world! I swear, it's got to hear me out. I'll make it. God, I sound mad. Well at this rate, I'm afraid I might be. >.< Everything's always on hold. It's gone for so long - too long - that sometimes I lose myself just a bit and slip and tell people what's really on my mind, even when I don't mean for them to hear it (cause it's usually ugly). Blah. Back to the bright note...I watched The Banger Sisters. It was my grandma's VHS. Good stuff. I also went to church and Target and Fresh Choice yesterday. We even did the ghetto "slip food and take it home in a napkin and bag" Filipino thing. My aunt bought me sunblock and shorts. My weight's slowly going down, thank God. I hope this keeps up. I also might start doing volunteer work for my transcript. Testing starts tomorrow. I feel so relieved knowing basketball's over. I need things, I really do. I know it sounds selfish, but it's the truth. I know it sounds ridiculous, and I don't think I've ever wanted to do this so badly, but right now I just wanna get drunk and wasted and say, "fuck it!" and feel stupid and careless and young and go lose myself for just one night. I've always been good. Right now I just want to party and intoxicate myself just a little bit. I swear, when I'm 18 my ass is gone when I feel like getting away like this. Why don't things ever match up in my life? You know what I just realized? I need something - somebody - anything here on earth that I can always count on, that will always be reliable from now on, because I don't think I really have that. Family's out of the question. They're supportive, yes, and I'm very thankful for that, but when you feel the way I do you also reach out for something more.
4/23/04 - 8:45 PM
This is so cute. Armando just asked me to burn him a CD with rock songs cause he likes my music. That's the one language we both speak fluently. =) I'm listening to Cherry Lips by Garbage. I'm very frustrated right now. I'm not getting the things I want, but then again who really does? =/ I hope my time for that is soon. I want to go to Washington and get bangs, but those cost lots of dinero. -_-'' Aye, puta madre. My grandfather's sick. My mom and grandma are taking it really terribly. I hope they're all okay. He was the only man who always understood me no matter what, ever since I was a little girl. :( I hope nothing bad happens to him. Oh, and I got some nasty news and some good news on my weight thing. I hope my body goes back to normal. I won't elaborate on that. I couldn't sleep last night. My stupidass cousin kept going in and out and talking in his sleep and conscious state until midnight. I hate him. I really despise the little fucker. He never grows up. On a brighter note, however, I won the poetry slam in english today, which blew me away because the people I were up against were really, and my english teacher was taking it...well, he's a critic and he liked my work. Let me put it that way. It's got to be one of the best contests I've ever won. ^^ I was so nervous, and that's never really happened before. Oh, and I was the only one to make the hoop in the lay-ups at basketball today. It was the last day and I passed all the tests. I'm so proud of myself. =P Swimming is next tuesday. The next two weeks will be STAR testing. -_-'' Blah. I gave William the link to this site. Yeah, he has now and it feels weird. It's strange knowing your ex boyfriend has access to the one place on the internet that contains really private stuff...well, some of it. =P Nah, just kidding. You know I love you, Billy. I know you'll read this eventually. :) At least the little things I care about are working. Let's hope my luck keeps up and lands me where I want to be. And God help my family cause we really need it. Now I'm listening to the Acoustic version of "Days Go By".
4/21/04 - 5:37 PM
Blah. I was sick for two days - I couldn't breathe. I fucking hate San Francisco weather. I also hate periods, because I think I'm about to get my rag (all the signs are coming up), and that just made my sickness even worse. My weight also soared, and I haven't even been eating anything. This is so unsual, and it's pissing me off. >.< !!! On a brighter note, I got Sara laughing today with my note about "Mr. Lamb." Inside joke. This week is also the last week for basketball (thank God!).
4/17/04 - 1:40 PM
Where do I start? I just came back from LA. I feel like shit. I've improved a lot since yesterday and the day before. I feel so left out. Nothing is going my way for a minute there I questioned everything. I'm mad because I'm feeling things I on't want to feel. Let's sum this up: I just found out Nick's joining the Navy. I'm sick right now. I wanted to join the spirit squad, but it costs $1,700. I can never afford shit. That's just the very basic thing. I helped myself last night. I actually lit my wax and candles and listened to latin music, mostly from the Havana Nights soundtrack. Sara and Will have really been helping me out, but now I'm wondering if I'm really meant for what I want. I've actually been slightly jealous of people lately, and for me that's something else because I'm not the jealous type. =/ I can't believe how depressed I've been lately. I need a distraction. I need to busy myself. I'll work on the wallpapers for this site. God, I just feel so empty. I don't even know the word for this.
4/5/04 - 2:50 PM
Holy shit...holy shit...too much excited in one day. Holy shit! I need to breathe. Pat's wife is coming this Wednesday, I just found the perfect cover art for my novel and The Doll House, I'm so caught up in music and graphics and thinking of my publishing my novels, and all the concerts I've been dying for are now here and I can't go! Does anybody know how fast my heart is thumping? Furthermore, I fixed a bunch of the stuff on this site and I'm now working on the content. =) Oh my lord. God help me...I'd better be excited for a reason.
3/28/04 - 3:03 PM
Okay, so far so good. I'm actually going at a pretty fast pace here. I'm working on the joined pages and things for visitors. For those of you who own a clique I recently joined, if you can't find where the codes are they should be to your left in the photo labelled "xoxo". Scroll down and you should see them there. They will go up on the actual cliques/rings/fanlistings pages soon, but I'm still working on those, so they'll be up there for some time. Thank you. :)
3/27/04 - 3:10 PM
Oh wow. I can't believe I got this site back up. It's been so long. I apologize to everybody - the cliques, people who have been sending in surveys (yes, I saved them), affiliates, etc. I was not expecting everything to go downhill all at once. I've been trying to find a decent image host and a better server than pitas. =/ I was only successful in finding a new home for some of my pictures, but I'm warning all of you - the new servers are very reliable. I'm afraid pitas will suddenly stop working. There's a chance that this will all suddenly stop, but I assure you I will do my best to make repairs and modifications and to keep this site running. Thank you for being patient. I'll be fixing things soon and getting rid of dead links. I also need to post replies to the survey. It might take me some time, though, but I'll be working on all of that. Once again, thanks. Wish me luck on this.
